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merockstar

  • Guest
proofread plz: short introduction to Bitshares
« on: June 27, 2014, 05:14:50 AM »

this one is straightforward. just making sure there aren't any gaffes.
update: second paragraph removed, couple of typos and grammar errors fixed.


The Bitshares community is a group of entrepreneurs and investors rallying around Invictus to help support innovative new ways to put blockchain technology to work by competing with profitable corporations whose purpose can now be automated online by a set of predefined rules. Distributed autonomous corporations make money for their shareholders without relying on centralized and human corruptible means to facilitate their services.

In addition to being a standard cryptocurrency, the developers of Bitshares have established a support structure that encourages innovative new ways to use blockchains. Currently in the works are projects that will provide decentralized competition to banks, online music stores, centralized gambling sites, insurance companies, state sponsored lotteries, voting booth companies, and more. Anybody, rich or poor, wanting to support the project may do so without being stonewalled by regulation, and share in it's eventual success.
« Last Edit: June 27, 2014, 09:17:44 AM by merockstar »

Offline toast

Re: proofread plz: short introduction to Bitshares
« Reply #1 on: June 27, 2014, 05:30:47 AM »
TBH I like the current overview on the wiki better:  http://107.170.163.35/index.php/Overview

TITAN *is* named stealth addresses, not just "supports creation of".

The 2nd paragraph is a bit "noisy". Mixing DPOS, TITAN, and BitAssets without proper introduction seems a bit confusing.

I think if you drop the 2nd paragraph altogether it would be a good super-short intro.
Do not use this post as information for making any important decisions. The only agreements I ever make are informal and non-binding. Take the same precautions as when dealing with a compromised account, scammer, sockpuppet, etc.

Offline onceuponatime

Re: proofread plz: short introduction to Bitshares
« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2014, 05:38:31 AM »
this one is straightforward. just making sure there aren't any gaffes.



The Bitshares community are a group of entrepreneurs and investors rallying around Invictus to help support innovative new ways to put blockchain technology to work by competing with profitable corporations whose purpose can now be automated online by a set of predefined rules. Distributed autonomous corporations make money for their shareholders without relying on centralized and human corruptible means to facilitate their services.

The DPOS algorithm solves the problems inherent to Bitcoin, while maximizing decentralization. Transactions can be done anonymously, and addresses can now be associated with a username through use of the TITAN system, instead of a random string of characters. TITAN also supports the creation of stealth addresses. Those seeking price stability will be satisified by the invention of bitAssets, which are pegged to the value of real world assets. DPOS will secure the network in a more environmentally friendly way rather than waste millions on electricity and resources used to mine coin in the traditional manner. DPOS is capable of handling tens of thousands of transactions per minute, making cryptocurrency capable of competing with major credit card processors in the field of electronic transactions.

In addition to being a standard cryptocurrency, the proprietors of Bitshares have established a support structure that encourages innovative new ways to use blockchains. Currently in the works are projects that will provide decentralized competition to banks, online music stores, centralized gambling sites, insurance companies, state sponsored lotteries, voting booth companies, and more. Anybody, rich or poor, wanting to support the project may do so without being stonewalled by regulation, and share in it's eventual success.

"are" shoulld be "is" because Community is a singular noun.

Also, probably should not say  "proprietors" of Bitshares but rather "developers" of Bitshares (for leagal reasons).

merockstar

  • Guest
Re: proofread plz: short introduction to Bitshares
« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2014, 05:48:45 AM »
TBH I like the current overview on the wiki better:  http://107.170.163.35/index.php/Overview

TITAN *is* named stealth addresses, not just "supports creation of".

The 2nd paragraph is a bit "noisy". Mixing DPOS, TITAN, and BitAssets without proper introduction seems a bit confusing.

I think if you drop the 2nd paragraph altogether it would be a good super-short intro.

I agree, the second paragraph was kind of forced because I was trying to orient it towards people already familiar with cryptocurrency, but I think clout did a much better job of this for the wiki overview for both case scenarios.

I will go ahead and drop the second paragraph and implement onceuponatime's suggestions, in case you find a use for it.

do you have any preference regarding what I should write about next, toast?

 

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